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The Loss of a Vision

Ever since I was a teenager I had a fairly clear overall purpose in life. I knew God had put Africa and orphans in my heart. I knew that desire would one day lead to adoption and also strongly believed I would do missions work in some capacity at some point.

For 15 years I had this clear vision in life, it’s one of the reasons I was able to persevere throughout the ups and downs of our adoption process. Then this last winter as we completed Ephraim’s adoption I also felt like I completely lost my purpose.

Honestly, it felt as though God took that desire away, as though he had given it to me to make sure we adopted and that’s where it was to end for us.

For someone who has had such a strong life vision for so many years this lack of a bigger purpose over the last 9 months has left me floundering. There are things I want to do, small goals I want to accomplish but without that overarching goal I feel empty and confused.

I never used to understand people that didn’t have a passion and a dream for their life, that didn’t have a cause to fight for, and now I am one of them.

I honestly don’t know if anyone reads this blog anymore, I started it as a place to advocate for the orphan and adoption and even though that fight has all gone out of me I don’t feel as though I can give up writing in this space. I find writing out my thoughts helps, if not to bring clarity than at least to organize my thoughts a little. And so, I will keep writing. I need to keep writing.

Thanks to all those who are still reading, I always read your comments even if I don’t reply.

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  1. Wow! Wow! Wow! I can’t believe I just read what I’m reading. People Love your blog, Or at least I do. I think of the sermon that we heard at the lake today for church. About Carrying the Cheese (1 Samuel 17:17-20). I’ll see if I can get the link for you. Now I know you are being really real here, and I don’t want you to think that you shouldn’t be feeling the way you do, however I do want to encourage you to continue to pursue the things that God lays on your heart. You have wanted to reach out into your community and invite others into your home, you still need to do this. I want to have a Saturday Supper where we invite in another family each week or every second week, and I still need to set this up.

    I think after paperwork is complete and adoption is complete there is a time of transition where things just seem a little surreal. I’m still questioning everyday if I’m really a Mama; and every morning I wake up to see a smiling face calling me Mama.

    Sometimes we need to be still where we are, enjoy the time in this season, and wait for the next thing that God has for us. If we move too fast He sometimes can’t complete the small stuff in us before we rush off into the next chapter of our lives.

    Praying for you in this season,

    Krista <3

    1. Thanks for your sweet words Krista! I’d love for a link to that sermon.

      I’m definitely not giving up on the things I had planned to do like getting involved in our community, I just feel a little lost without an over-arching goal.

      We are definitely past our honeymoon stage here with the adoption and are in a very difficult stage, constantly busy with medical appointments and new issues always seem to be arising and now Raeca is really showing a lot of regression attitude wise . . . it’s a hard stage, but I know it won’t last forever.

      Thanks for your prayers!

  2. it’s always crazy when something like that happens – all of the sudden your whole life kinda feels different. i have had a huge desire for adoption/orphans almost my whole life also, and i have kinda wondered if something like this would happen once i do adopt. but you know, when God takes away desires, He is willing & able to replace them with new ones – praying He gives you a new desire soon 🙂

  3. i definitely read your blog, i just don’t comment all the time 🙂
    hugs friend.
    the loss of passion is always so hard and leaves you feeling empty.
    i’ve been in this season for a few years and it is hard.

  4. I love reading your blog even though I can’t seem to keep up and don’t always leave a comment cause life is so stinkin busy! I’ve often wondered if/when I’ll lose my drive to advocate for orphans and what my life would be like then. I’m not sure what I would do. I do know that sometimes God simply wants us to be still. To focus only on Him and not some other “mission” or “passion”. I’ve really had to focus on not getting consumed by my passion, but rather focusing on Him. I hope that makes sense…cause without Him the passion or mission loses the profoundness of it’s purpose.

    On a lighter note…and I mean this in the most light hearted way…if it wasn’t for how you’re feeling…perhaps you’d be in the crazy adoption process again?…and you’d keep adopting until all your friends and family would really think you’d lost your mind! lol! Not that I would know anything about that! 😉

    1. Haha, I love that lighter note 🙂 Yes, I guess I don’t want to be considered a crazy. (But for the record I absolutely don’t think you are crazy, I truly admire you!)

  5. I love reading your blog because even when the topic doesn’t seem pertinent to my life (such as adoption) I still feel so connected to you. You do a great job making showing what your normal looks like. 🙂

  6. Chantel, I’m glad I stumbled across this post because I have been feeling the same way for the past year or so. I’ve lost the passion for something I’ve been doing for the past 7 years and now I feel pretty confused. It’s hard feeling unsure of where to “invest” myself next. Not knowing where we will be living in two months doesn’t help either! I’m glad you will keep writing.

    1. Hey Alyssa, are you not sure where you will be living house wise or province wise?
      It’s hard to be in this stage, but it helps knowing there is someone else going through it too, I’ll be praying for you!

  7. I read all your blog posts. I wish I wasn’t too shy to talk to you in the grocery store.

    Anyways don’t get discouraged. You just accomplished a huge adoption goal your next big goal will come.

    1. Ah, you totally should talk to me in the grocery store! Now I feel bad, I haven’t seen you there, I hope you don’t think I was ignoring you! The grocery store is possibly my worse possible place every, too many choices, too many people, too much stimulation, I usually try to get through it as quickly as possible and get out the door. The only place worse than the typical grocery store is Costco, my introverted-over-stimulated nightmare.

  8. Well both! My husband is just finishing a one year pastoral apprenticeship, so he’s been applying for jobs all over for the past 6 months. It’s a bit freaky with a month left to go and no job settled yet. There was 3 months I thought we’d be living in Saskatoon (again) since we were a final candidate for a church there, too bad cause I imagined us hanging out! He has a third followup interview tomorrow for a church in Edmonton we are hoping on! Thank you for the prayers! Wedding season just adds to the chaos. Will keep you in prayers too 🙂

    1. For purely selfish reasons, I am sad Saskatoon isn’t working out. But Edmonton is pretty much second best, we usually make a trip out there once a year and maybe we could finally meet! 🙂 Once you have found a place let me know, wherever it is, I’ll be praying!

  9. I love your blog! I love keeping up and seeing what your family is up to. I love seeing how your teaching and leading your kids, the adventures y’all go on, and the desire you have to impact your neighborhood. For me, you are one of my greatest encouragers in blogland. 🙂

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