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if you really wanted to know
I am sitting here debating whether or not I should schedule this post for tomorrow morning. This is admittedly one of the (if not THE) most honest post I’ve ever written and the words printed here leave me feeling vulnerable. I have a feeling some of this may step on some people’s toes but I think it is time for me to be completely honest and stop being afraid of what others think. So here it goes.
If you asked me in passing how I was doing I would use one of the variety of acceptable optimistic replies; fine, good, great, etc. But if you were to stop and ask me how I was really doing and if I could see it in your face that you really wanted to know . . .
I would tell you that I am feeling stressed over finances these days. While we are slowly building up the money we need for our adoption at this rate we aren’t going to have the amount that we need by the time we need to pay it. I would say I am getting subbing days but not as many as I had hoped and with every passing week the chance of me having the hours in to take parental leave next year looks bleaker and bleaker. And while I know that God will provide it is still hard not to be stressed about it.
I would tell you that I am feeling hurt. I recently read a post by a fellow adoptive mother who said the adoption journey is a lonely one. I would agree. While we have had some great support most of it has been by some random people -people we hardly knew before we began this journey, people that we have really begun to appreciate. But I would tell you about the hurt that we felt when we had to cancel a fundraising banquet that had been planned because we didn’t have any interest. I would say that I hate to admit how much we felt hurt by many of the people around us.
If you really wanted to know I would mention that I am feeling outraged at the ignorance and apathy of many of the Christians in my community. There are so many problems, the number of orphans that need homes, the countless children that need better foster homes, the children that are being kidnapped and trained as child soldiers, the red-light district in Amsterdam and the fact there is a debate going on to have one in Saskatoon, the increasing numbers of abortions each year . . . I would tell you that it seems like so many Christians are totally apathetic to these issues, or at least don’t care enough to do something about it.
I would tell you that I am really struggling with having so many superficial friendships and conversations. I would say I have a hard time talking about things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things when there are so many bigger problems going on.
I would probably mention my love for Africa and how I dream of going back one day for a longer amount of time and if God does call us there I hope Jared feels the same way.
If you really wanted to know I would tell you how tired I am of feeling tired all the time.
I might mention my disappointment in some people who would never claim to be rich and yet are building brand new houses that are bigger than they could ever need. People that are supposed to be strong Christian leaders that are teaching that possessions are what matter in this world, if not by their words at least by their actions.
I would admit my disgust with myself because I find it so easy to judge how others spend their money and yet the next thing I think of is my ever increasing mental wishlist. I would say that I am so sick of a society that has taught us to want more, more, more and that I long for a simpler life but don’t know how to have one.
I would tell you of my desire to be a part of a group of believers that are really passionate about making a difference in this world and are able to turn that passion into action.
That’s what I would tell you. If you really wanted to know.
Thanks for your honesty, Chantel. It’s so easy to feel like we have two parts–the ‘hi, how are you?’ and the ‘if i were honest…’ self. It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of transitions, unknowns and disappointment. And it sounds like you need some rest, girl! I am praying for you mucho on this sunny monday morning! (Ephesians 3:18-21)
Thanks Amelia, I really appreciate your prayers!
Such a beautiful post, Chantel. Thanks for sharing so honestly about how you are doing. I understand many of the things you’re feeling, especially about longing for a simpler life, and how to relate to an affluent, wasteful society when there are people suffering and living in extreme poverty. I also understand how lonely it feels to choose to do something that others don’t understand and don’t seem to see how important it is for you. I’ll be praying for you, for God to give you rest, for you to be able to lean on Him when you are weary, for wisdom to understand why things are the way they are, and the ability to love others, even when you can’t understand them. I can only encourage you to remember that God has a way, even when we can’t see it or understand it.
Hugs, Fiona xoxo
“I also understand how lonely it feels to choose to do something that others don’t understand and don’t seem to see how important it is for you.” That is exactly it Fiona, thank you for understanding and for your prayers.
I do want to know.
This is real, it’s honest and you’re not alone!
I’ve felt every one of these things so often in the past few years, it can be very discouraging and disheartening.
Though I haven’t felt this way for the same reasons as you. Instead, God has laid upon my heart the health of our nation and our churches…so much apathy within the Body of Christ. It’s like screaming into the wind. I find myself understanding Jeremiah in the Bible. And yet I am Peter…so arrogant and hypocritical at times. Thank God for His patience and grace.
I will tell you it does get better. I really believe it’s always darkest before the dawn. While I still have the same frustrations, God has given me a peace about it. I have found refuge in Him as I carry out the tasks He asks of me. I plant the seeds and rely on Him for the rain to help them grow.
I will be praying for you.
Thanks again for sharing. God bless.
By the way, my spouse and I have prayed often over adopting and have began the steps a few times only for God to stop us. It’s in His hands. If someday He leads us to adopt, I will be need the support, encouragement and help from people like you. I’ve already learned through other experiences not to rely on well meaning friends/family. They love us, but they can’t always understand or be there how we need them.
I appreciate your insightful words. Relating to Jeremiah and yet being a Peter, that is exactly how I feel. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.
Screaming into the wind – yes!!!! Oh how I’ve felt that way…..
Wow, this was an amazing post.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU for caring about the right things.
For writing so honestly about how apathetic and superficial our culture can be, and can make even us!
I so desire and yearn to be free of things, and alive just in CHRIST and the things He cared about.
I will absolutely begin to pray about your adoption process:) You are such an inspiration. Thanks for being a beautiful LIGHT girl!
Thank you Katie, your words are always so encouraging.
I love your brutal honesty here! You say much that wish I heard others shouting from their “rooftops” as well. I’ve especially feel the weight of wanting to live a simpler life, yet am constantly bombarded with more stuff I want. And if I ever get married, I sure hope my future spouse would be as willing to adopt as I am. And if we were to have coffee I’d be glad to steer always from superficial conversations as well =)
🙂 It is nice to know that I am not the only one the desires deeper, more meaningful connections with other believers. Thank you for your sweet words Natalie.
I really appreciated being able to read this and to know how you have really been feeling recently. I have been praying for you these past weeks, but now, this will really help me to pray more specifically. I can only imagine how lonely the adoption journey must be…. I wish I could give you such a big hug right now. I too have often felt disgusted at myself for my constant desire to want to have more. I think it’s only been this year that I’ve really started to learn what contentment looks like. Anyway, I just want you to know that even though I don’t know you in real life, you are a wonderful encouragement to me nonetheless. Keep writing.
Thank you so much Ronnie, you know I appreciate every one of your prayers.
Oh Chantel! Your post breaks my heart…so know how you feel. Martin and I were talking about this the other day…you are so very young and yet so incredibly wise. It is such honesty that is encouraging, odd as it may seem. It confirms we’re not alone. It is honesty that will bring change…although being the catalyst is never easy. Praying…
Thank you Marie for your comments as well as your Facebook message. I am finding that while we may feel lonely at times there are others out there that feel the same way, and that is encouraging, it’s good to know we are not the only ones struggling. Thank you so much for your prayers and I am praying for you as well.
I hope you are able to enjoy your little getaway and get the rest you need. If I can ever do ANYTHING for you please don’t hesitate to ask.
I don’t think my comments are showing up…will try again.
This is my favorite post I’ve read from you yet. Wow. I can relate on so many levels. Honestly, I’ve really struggled lately with “the poverty gospel” as some people call it. The American Church needs a wake up call about her love for things. Still, on the other side I don’t think feeling bad every time I buy chocolate chip cookies at the grocery store is good either. On the whole, I feel discouraged. People I know are either far on one side or the other. And I judge. Then I wonder what people think of me. I too have a want list that isn’t healthy. It’s disgusting really. We want to adopt in the not so distant future as well. I know so many people in the same boat with you. That discourages me too. Just know, I am praying for you and share in your struggles…or probably will soon!
You’ve nailed it Jen. It’s kind of funny actually, for me, in the last few months I have been unable to wear my contacts for more than a couple hours at a time and have been wearing glasses that don’t fit and aren’t the right prescription and yet every time I think about getting a new pair I feel guilty for wanting/needing them. That’s not fun. It seems so hard to find a balance.
I appreciate your prayers and will be praying for you as well.
Wow- I could have written this post over and over myself yet never have had the courage- funny how when you ask God to break your heart HE WILL and then how even those in your own “Chrisitian community” don’t share the same thought process………
God bless you and yours!!!!!!!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting Janice!
You’ve totally nailed it on the head, I’ve prayed so many times for God to break my heart and I have seen that make such a huge difference in my life and then I look at the people around me and see them staying the same month after month, year after year. I try not to look down on them but I get really frustrated when people say they are Christians but aren’t ready to change their lives for Him. It is like they are content with their “perfect” lives and don’t realize how much MORE they would gain if they would let Him flip their world around.
Sorry for the rant. 🙂
I’ll be praying for you and your journey,
Yes yes yes!!! Oh my husband and I have discussed this many times – not out of a place of judgement of others but a dissapointment and a really disheartened place and its weird because once you like “get it” what it is we MUST/NEED to spend our resources for then all the life : x,y,z (distractions of this world) suddenly don’t seem so important- BUT we know our trust lies in GOD -not- others ultimately right?! And hopefully (and we are definitely not saints or perfect by any means – wow that’s another subject 😉 but hopefully through leading by example in service to others and aiding the least of these for Christ then many more will take notice for God and MOVE it!!!! 😉
Well sorry I hijacked your blog 😉
If you are ever in North Texas – you are welcome for dinner 😉
God bless and love your blog!!!
“I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me”. Philippians 4:13.
love your heart. love the honesty and rawness. i totally agree with what you’ve said. praying for you!
Thank you, I really appreciate your prayers. 🙂